I have some more information about the tumor that has unsettled me a bit. I've been processing it with Avi and Emily which has been helpful. It just came at a time when I had moved into place of Pollyanna, all will be ok, I'll be done with the chemo, cancer free and my life will return to normal. However here is more of the reality:
...the tumor isn't going to disappear totally. It is reducing and dying, it's down by 45% or more, but according to the doc will begin to develop scar tissue. The scar tissue will make it harder for the chemo to get in and kill the cancer, it will also decelerate the reduction of the tumor.
....I will have a dead tumor in my pancreas which may or may not have active cancer in the middle of it. It may or may not begin growing again down the road.
.... After chemo is done they will do a blood test every month to determine whether the cancer is behaving or has started growing. Fortunately my tumor count has been a very accurate tell tale for whether the tumor is growing or not...that's a positive that a lot of people don't have so I'm lucky to have that...they won't have to do a cat scan every month.
....down the road if my tumor count goes up before six months they will start me on an alternative chemo. If it starts growing after six months they will start me back on this same chemo regimen. Its also possible it won't start up again at all and that's the best possible outcome.
So...a lot to take in. I'm still processing but wanted you guys to be on the same page. I'm gonna check in with the kids and bring them up to date when I have a chance to see them in person. There's still the hope that my body will handle this in a way that kills the cancer enough to extend my life for years. Best case is that the chemo is able to get in enough to knock out the cancer in the tumor, kill off the cancer in the liver, and give me back much of my life. There are no guarantees and I've known that but this simply reminds me that my time could be limited and I need to take each day and live it fully. It pulls up my fears ... I'm working on staying in the moment, holding onto hope and turning my fears into love.
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