Hi my sweet sisters...I trust you are both sleeping peacefully with dreams of chocolate truffles dancing in your heads.
I'm sharing the information from the doc with a few of you today. I haven't sent out the generic email yet; I may wait til Friday. The doc I saw yesterday wants to do another biopsy of the liver; from the outside this time. A molecular study could be done on a larger tissue sample which would tell us unequivocally whether the liver spots are cancer. I know ...crazy huh?
However, the tumor is cancer; if the liver spots are cancer it means the cancer has metastasized. That would put me in stage IV pancreatic cancer; not the place I wanted to be. This doc is going to talk with Dr Caton before deciding for sure to do the biopsy but he's scheduled it for Tuesday in case. Whatever the results, the fight for my life is on and I'm gearing up to do some long term treatment. If the liver spots happen to be inflammation or some such benign thing it would just make the stand off a tiny bit easier.
The kids came over last night and we talked. They are both being as positive as they can be and very supportive. Ryan is clear that statistics are after the fact and have no relation to me as I've never had PC before and there's no way of knowing what my body will do with it. He says "statistics don't mean shit!" so I have to ignore them, get my own special mojo going and not let the bastards get me down! I'm with him.
I'm carrying as hopeful a vision as I possibly can right now. I fall into despair and darkness at times but I've decided to embrace fully the macrobiotic diet and believe that my body has the power to regenerate. I have a strong body with basic health that I have to count on right now and have faith in.
It is a deep sadness that this whole health journey happens at the sweetest time possible with the kids and their children. I can go into some anger and grief or I can choose to get as much time in with my chicklets as possible. I've decided not to waste time raging or getting caught in dark futurizing but instead to relish every moment I get with my two M&M's.
I know the despair and darkness will overcome me at times but I'm going to do all I can to keep the visits short and return to visualizing health. I have a strong will to live and some of the greatest motivations ever. My body is strong, it carries within it the blueprint for health; I'm going to depend on it to regenerate, to reach towards wholeness, knowing that wholeness is what the universe and God desire for me.
I love you both beyond limits and I'm so happy you're my sisters. I couldn't have chosen better sisters; I'm pretty smart! I'm going to need you more than ever on this treacherous walk. Mostly I need you to hold onto the vision of health and stay in the hope with me. Send up your prayers and love waves; give me your bear hugs through space and time. When I need more tangible types of help I'll issue the call...until then I'll see you in my dreams....SarahLyn
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