I can go into sadness and rage when I consider the timing of this whole health journey for me; it can piss me off that I'm having to deal with this at a time that is so tender and sweet with my grand chilluns. However, the rage doesn't serve me so I'm just trying to get as much M&M time as I can.
I haven't sent out the generic email yet; I may wait til Friday. The doc I saw yesterday wants to do another biopsy of the liver; from the outside this time. A molecular study could be done on a larger tissue sample which would tell us unequivocally whether the liver spots are cancer. I know ...crazy huh?
However, the tumor is cancer; if the liver spots are cancer it means the cancer has metastasized. That would put me in stage IV pancreatic cancer; not the place I wanted to be. This doc is going to talk with Dr Caton before deciding for sure to do the biopsy but he's scheduled it for Tuesday in case. Whatever the results, the fight for my life is on and I'm gearing up to do some long term treatment.
The kids came over last night and we talked. They are both being as positive as they can be and very supportive. Ryan is clear that statistics are after the fact and have no relation to me as I've never had PC before and there's no way of knowing what my body will do with it. He says "statistics don't mean shit!" so I have to ignore them, get my own special mojo going and not let the bastards get me down! I'm with him.
I'm carrying as hopeful a vision as I possibly can right now. I fall into despair and darkness at times but I've decided to embrace fully the macrobiotic diet and believe that my body has the power to regenerate. I have a strong body with basic health that I have to count on right now and have faith in.
I'm gonna need all the friends I can get to take with me on this journey. More than anything I need you to keep holding onto the hope, keep sending me love waves and visualize health for me as strongly as you can. I fall into despair and darkness but don't plan on staying there except for short visits. When I get to the place that I need more tangible help I will send up the call.
SarahLyn
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